A year ago, I thought I had it all figured out. I was on track with a life that I thought I had wanted and everything seemed in place for my future. But I realized that:
1) we never know what other people may do, only what we ourselves do is in our control.
2) having a plan and being 'on track' checking off boxes along the way does not bring us happiness.
3) we are all capable of more than we can even imagine.
One thing, however, has not changed. Since as long as I can remember I have always hated when someone says, "I can't". This is because, very often, whatever they are naysaying they could do if they only applied themselves.
When I was in middle school I was lazy and confused. I didn't fit in with the people in the school and I had decided that I was dumb. When it came to school, I gave up trying and having expectations for myself. One day when I got another mediocre grade on an paper, my teacher at the time turned to me and said, "Ann, you are better than this." It was at that instant that I knew she was right and that I had been holding myself back. I rededicated myself to school with more focus then ever before. While I knew that I may not get straight A's, I knew that I had to do my best. I knew at that moment that I was doing this for myself and for no one else.
In graduate school there were many people whom put me down and told me I would never get my Ph.D. The darkness creeped back in and started to jade everything I did. I worked so hard I was hardly sleeping and hardly eating but still I didn't feel as if that were enough. My old method of hard work and determination didn't fit this new environment. One day a fellow student told me that I had what it took to succeed. From that moment on, that spark of positivity changed everything. I went from thinking I would fail no matter what I did, to thinking that I was going to pass the tests that I took. I started believing that the reactions that I set up would work. What I needed was not hard work, but self confidence... a new piece had been added to the puzzle.
Recently, I have been going through the hell that is a divorce. For those who have not gone through this, the only comparison I can think of is a death of a close family member. I thought many times that I didn't have the strength to go on. Many mornings after crying myself to sleep, the alarm would ring and I would think, "I can't" and then I would think to myself "get up and live." This was my life for months on end...putting one foot in front of the other. I put one foot in front of the other in a literal sense, running, even when I broke my wrist. One day someone came along and said to me, 'you can run fast, you are amazing'. A few days later I beat my 5K personal best by minutes, running faster than I had in my entire life. I feel that this new piece of perservance has shown its face in a new way. I already had knowledge and self confidence in my corner, but knowing that I was truly capable of anything was way different. That and doing something by myself with no support and totally for myself was also new.
While we may not have control over others, we have control over our own actions and saying that 'I can't' is limiting the endless possibilities that we have at our fingertips. And many people whom have said it in my presence will know I will correct them and say, "no, you can, you just choose not to." So I challenge you, what choice will you make?
I make the choice to slay the dragon, everyday.
